dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
