Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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