She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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