Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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