I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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