If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize