my mouth tastes like poor choices
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
