three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
