My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
