someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
