i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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