I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize