Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
organizing the empties. That sober.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
then he tried to convert me to islam
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
