So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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