i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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