chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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