I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
