I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize