OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
COCAINE IS GR8
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
