Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
