My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
