We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Pants are for mortals
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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