cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
