i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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