I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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