I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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