you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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