I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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