He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
