I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
