"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
