I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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