WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize