he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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