That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
