I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
