mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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