I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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