Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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