We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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