I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
