My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
