Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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