You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
How does it feel to date your dad?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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