I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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