I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
