I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Do vagina's smell?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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