dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Dicks are not precious.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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