Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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