eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize