when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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