she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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