Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
