Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
