rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
