FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
