My room smells like vodka and shame
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
