Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
