so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
