Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
