wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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