my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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