I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I pour the whiskey from now on
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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