i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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