The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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