I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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