even my farts smell like vagina
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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