So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
