she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It was confusing and full of hummus
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
